Making Shortbread in the Real World

Now the summer holidays are upon us what could be nicer, I thought to myself yesterday, than to attempt a spot of baking with three year old E. Shortbread is pretty simple, isn’t it? We’ll give that a go.I’d popped on to the BBC website, which is always my first stop for spontaneous cooking, and found this easy peasy recipe:

1. Heat the oven to 190C/375F/Gas 5.
2. Beat 4oz butter and 2oz sugar together until smooth.
3. Stir in 6oz flour to get a smooth paste. Turn on to a work surface and gently roll out until the paste is 1cm/½in thick.
4. Cut into rounds or fingers and place onto a baking tray. Sprinkle with icing sugar and chill in the fridge for 20 minutes.
5. Bake in the oven for 15-20 minutes, or until pale golden-brown. Set aside to cool on a wire rack.

Excellent as this guidance was, I think it missed a few critical steps so I thought I’d update it for you.

1. Bung baby T into his chair with Curly (soft toy sheep) for company.
2. Wrestle E into Gruffalo apron.
3. Wash hands very enthusiastically while singing the fab I Can Cook hand washing song, imagining self as the smiley, unflappable Katy.
4. Realise butter is in fridge and therefore rock hard.
5. Conduct swift mental calculation (time for butter to soften at ambient temperature) – (time before E gets bored of waiting) = Problem!
6. Decide to put granite-butter in microwave to soften.
7. Retrieve Curly from floor for shouting T.
8. Return to microwave to find island of butter surrounded by melted golden sea (Never mind, what difference can it really make, hey?)
9. Locate sugar at back of cupboard, standing on chair on one leg, while explaining to E that he must never stand on chairs because it’s dangerous.
10. Conduct further mental calculation a fraction of a second too late: (E’s enthusiasm for pouring in the sugar) > (E’s understanding of measurement).
11. Spoon excess sugar into bin.
12. Watch E sneeze all over hands.
13. Wash hands with slightly less enthusiasm still singing the I Can Cook hand washing song and imagining Katy has numerous crew around to help out.
14. Allow E to stir … erm … briskly (anorak with hood may have been useful here to avoid sudden sugar shower).
15. Having learnt from sugar experience, measure flour into separate bowl for E to pour in.
16. Let E tip the flour into bowl.
17. Try not to breathe for 5 minutes while dense flour cloud dissipates.
18. Give it a good mix to start to bring together and then let E get his hands in to form a ball.
19. Gasp as E stick dough covered finger up nose.
20. Wash hands again while E sings that irritating hand washing song, imagining Katy getting breaks to recover between takes.
21. Tip dough onto table and watch for a few minute as E beats it with the rolling pin.
22. Tell him what a good job he’s done and ask if he would mind ‘some help finishing off’.
23. Attempt to reassemble dough and roll out.
24. Find biscuit cutter and return to find E trying to feed dough to T.
25. Explain calmly, for the hundredth time, that T is too small to share E’s food.
26. Remove dough from T’s hands while supervising E’s random stamping of shapes out of the dough.
27. Scrape shapes off table and onto baking tray.
28. Don’t bother to sprinkle on sugar because frankly enough is enough.
29. Whack into oven which isn’t preheated, natch.
30. Return wearily to sink for more hand washing and grit teeth through that song, picturing Katy reclining in dressing room with vodka bottle at the end of the day.
31. Leave washing up for Daddy due to fear that E will start the Big Cook Little Cook washing up song.

Image: wandee007 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net